Grief and Weight Loss/Gain

The week my daddy died suddenly, I reached a 40 pound weight loss.  Part of the weight drop was probably due to how grief stricken I was.  It was unexpected and untimely, and I was having a hard time eating or sleeping.  Since then, I gained 5 pounds and then lost 2.  I've been to the gym twice since this horrible life event occurred.  Right now, I just cannot find the drive or motivation to get back at it.  Should I give myself to the new year?  The day before he died, I had just told dad that I was taking the week off from the gym because I was sick again.  I've been fighting cold symptoms off and on since I ran my first 5k at the end of October.  I'm so glad that my dad was alive to see me trying to get healthy and achieving goals. I don't know when I'll feel up to getting back into the gym, but I don't think my weight is going to go downward anymore until I start exercising again. Right now I'm just working to not gain weight.

20 to 25 pounds to go ... anything after that is just icing on the cake.

30.4 Pounds Gone!

I weighed in over the weekend at 173.6, which puts me at just over 30 pounds lost.  It has been a struggle for sure!  I still have about 30 more pounds to go to get to my ultimate goal, so that puts a bit of a damper on things.  I'm hoping to be in the 140's or 150's by December.  I'm not sure if I should go out and buy any size 14 pants because 12 isn't that far away.  In fact, I have a couple 12's that fit now.  Onward and upward ... or downward as it would be.

179 Body Pix - 25 pounds lost

Here are some pix for my eventual BEFORE and AFTER collage:

25 Pounds Gone!

Yes, 25 of my fatty-fat pounds are gone, and I hope I never see them again!  I've dropped 2 pants sizes and 2 shirt sizes!  BMI charts still consider me "overweight" at this point, so it's a good thing that I think BMI charts are totally bogus.  My goal weight does happen to fall into their "normal" category, but that is totally coincidental.  I wanted to post myfitnesspal's line graph of my progress this year. 

It's been slow and gradual ... and somewhat maddening.  There have been points when I've felt like I was going to absolutely go bananas. I have about 35 more pounds to go.  My bestie (hi, Sarah!) and I have both agreed that we'd like to be down 20 more pounds by the end of October (that's about 3 months to do so ... 6.7 pounds per month ... 1.6-ish pounds per week).  It is possible, but I'm gonna have to really be on my game! 

Get Back on the Wagon!

I almost fell completely off the weight-loss wagon.  I guess you could say that I was holding on with one hand and being drug behind it.  About a month ago my toddler and I both got the creeping crud and were away from the gym for basically two weeks.  Upon trying to return, he gave me all kinds of grief.  He cries at the mention of going to the gym, so imagine how hard it is to get him into the car to actually go.  Anyway, that situation and a mountain of other stress built and built for weeks until I started having that "screw it" attitude.  I was still eating a healthy breakfast and lunch, but dinner was slowly getting crappier and crappier.  Then, a couple weeks ago, I went to dinner with my parents and Tyler as usual, but instead of ordering a salad I ordered a chicken sammich ... we's talkin' fried  chicken.  THEN, the next day I went back to the same place and had another one (with fries both times).  Thus began my downward spiral into "LETSEATANYTHINGANDWHATEVERWEWANTSville" ...

I could go into the numerous food sins I committed over the past month, but I will just say that I am officially back on the wagon ... I'm SO on the wagon that I could be driving the wagon.  Exercise will now be 5 times a week whether it is light or heavy ... Calories will be kept around 1200 and will come from healthy sources.  I'm not going "low carb" per se, but I am trying to limit the intake of said carbs.  Lots of fruits and vegetables and lean meat.  It's not easy for sure!  Eating what I want all the time is easy and delicious, BUT it will also keep me overweight and unhappy in the long run.  We aren't having our usual YUM-YUMfest this weekend like we usually do.  If we go out to eat, I will just have to find something healthy to feed my face...

grumble grumble grumble grumble sigh.

This Little Piggy Went to Crazytown

Well, I am down two pant sizes since I started these shenanigans in February of this year (from size 18 to size 14).  It's been almost four months, and I'm down ALMOST 20 pounds.  I think I've pushed passed my last plateau and come to a new one.  My weight over the weekend was 186.8, but it jumped back to 188.8 this morning.  That could be water weight or something of the sort ... who can really tell.  I ate relatively crappy over the weekend, but I don't know if it is possible to gain two pounds in two days ... not two pounds of fat at least.

My food sins over the weekend included a Mexican buffet (portion control goes out the window when I'm faced with a buffet), a HUGE cereal bowl of Caramel Turtle Cheesecake ice cream, a 6" Italian BMT and cookie from Subway, tacos made at home (probably not THAT sinful ... I only had two), and Zataran's Dirty rice (although it WAS prepared at home with very lean beef).  The point being that I know I went far beyond my usual 1200 - 1500 calories each day.

I guess I need to work on reigning it in on the weekends.  I eat SO healthily during the week that I'm SO ready to be a piggy on the weekend.  Is it better to indulge yourself on the weekends, so you don't absolutely lose your mind ... or should I go through the rest of my life never enjoying the occasional treat?  Quite the conundrum ...  I'll just work on keeping my "treating" under control.

The Sad Side View

...here it is...blarg

15 Pounds Lost

I never did a starting before pic, so I'll do one with 15 pounds gone and 50 to go.  I'm not incredibly excited to share images of my "belly flop" as I like to call it.  I couldn't bring myself to upload the side view :( Maybe later.

The Neverending Plateau

I have been bobbling around the 15 pounds lost mark for several weeks now, and it is becoming maddening!  I'm to that desperate point where I have checked out several weight loss books from the library, and I can't stop googling "weight loss."  I probably visit the 3fatchicks website daily just to read diet reviews.  I don't want to go on a fad diet, but I want to find some sort of structure.  I'm the type of person who likes things laid out in front of them in black and white.  Don't just tell me to eat fruits, vegetables, whole grains and lean meat ... for some reason that makes my head explode.  I literally want someone to tell me to eat A, B and C for breakfast and D, E and F for lunch, etc (save the alphabet soup jokes, kthx).

I get SO frustrated because I never should have let my weight get THIS out of control.  I'm having one heck of a time getting it back under control.  I still have a good 50 pounds to lose to be at a healthy weight (in my opinion).  I feel like my body is just STUCK, and it is making me crazy.

So far this year I have kicked my soda habit (been sober since January 1, 2013), I've been exercising a few times a week and I've changed my diet.  I guess I'm just flabbergasted as to why I cannot get my weight to keep going down.

I didn't really want to throw my numbers out there because I know folks on Facebook and possibly strangers will read this, but I feel like I want to go ahead and do that today.

Weight - currently bobbles between 189-191
Height - 5' 4"
Dress Size - 16 (and the occasional 14)
Shirt Size - Large - ish (XL in smaller fitting things like Juniors)
Waist - 34"
Hips - 43"

People say that I don't LOOK like I weigh THAT much, which is great and all, but it doesn't make me feel better inside.  At my lowest I weighed 126.  My normal weight would fluctuate between 130 and 140.  Between going to college, dating, getting married and having kids, I managed to put on about 75 to 85 pounds over the past 10 years.  I think at my highest (non-pregnancy weight), I was tipping the scales around 215, which is massive for my height.  Over the years I've tried to lose weight SEVERAL times and given up.  I had pretty much adopted my husband's eating habits and just got fatter and fatter.  Apparently, a 5'4" woman cannot eat like a 6' 250 pound man and expect to not get hugenormous.

Anyway, I said all of that because I am just SO frustrated (I guess as usual).  I'm starting to feel a bit hopeless, but I don't want to go back to my "giving up" ways.  I'll admit that I did dabble in this a little bit over the weekend.  I ate some junk and immediately regretted it once I had done so.

Is it so much to ask for some menu guidelines without just handing me a bunch of strange recipes with 1400 ingredients?  I think some of my frustration also comes from all the reading that I do on the weight loss subject.  It seems like every book or website contradicts the one that I just read.  I have a PERFECT example.  I looked at two different "lifestyle changes" last night.  One required that you drink a cup of water before a meal, a cup during and a cup after ... I'm guessing to make you feel more full while eating less food.  The VERY NEXT book said to not drink much while you eat because it dilutes your stomach acids and interferes with proper digestion. AHHHHHH!

I know there are millions of weight loss books out there, and they each have a gimmick.  Who can you believe?!?!  I definitely can't go by BMI charts or the FDA's food pyramid (at least the traditional one that has whole grains as the largest part of your diet).  One book that I looked at did make a couple of good points.  The BMI chart/formula was developed in the 1850's, and it does not take in consideration muscle mass or body frame size.  It is not like I can shrink my bones or changes how my body is naturally more muscular than some folks.

I just want a simple food plan where I am not starving myself, I'm not eating junk and I don't have to spend three days putting a laundry list of ingredients together to make a meal.  OY VEY!!!

Here is my progress/non-progress over the past year according to MyFitnessPal:

Here is a full body shot of me (the blond) a few weeks ago:

Hunger Rage

I read an article about body image that my bestie (love you, Sarah!) had liked on Facebook before lunch, and it sent me into a word-spewing rage.  It wasn't so much the article itself, but all of the comments that followed it.  I guess because I am working SO hard to get this weight off, I get upset when I see people being complacent about being overweight.  Since we all seem to be obese in America, we keep trying to make it okay to be obese by saying things like, "I'm just curvy" or "I'm a big girl, and I love my body."  Now, it is not wrong to love yourself no matter your current condition, but I think it is wrong to make excuses to just stay fat because that is easier.  Barring some medical condition, there is NO excuse to be unhealthily overweight!!!

At this point I would like to switch gears for a moment to say that I do not accept the medical BMI chart as anything but total fiction.  That chart does not account for how muscular someone may be or anything.

I will know I am at a healthy weight when I don't have flab flappin' all over the place, not when that flippin' chart says so!!!

Anyway, my excessive hunger before I ate my lunch sent me into this downward spiral of negativity.  It is ALL just SO frustrating ... losing weight, hearing about losing weight, being told what is the right weight ... ALL OF IT!!

Losing weight is hard ... WAAAAAAAA! (That is what my brain says all day, everyday.)

I've never been okay with being overweight.  I know my body is capable of being a healthy size, and I'm going to take it there KICKING AND SCREAMING!!

***END RANT***

Sick Baby

I didn't get to go to the gym AT ALL this week, and I've been panicking the entire time thinking I'm going to gain all 8 pounds back.  I have a legit excuse ... Tyler has had a stomach bug since Monday, and I needed to just stay home with him (also don't need to spread this plague).  Luckily, my weight DID NOT go back up ... ANY.  Losing weight is so hard that I'd probably have a meltdown if I gained five pounds right now.

I've pretty much been eating the same for the past month or two:

Breakfast - 2 packets Low Sugar Oatmeal
Lunch - Carrots, Low calorie dip, Healthy Choice Meal, and Sugar free pudding cup
Dinner - Whatever I've bought to cook ... in moderation

We have really cut waaaaaaaay back on pasta and rice.  I try to be mindful of how much sugar and salt that I take in still.  I try to cook healthy-ish about 90% of the time.  I switch high fat ground beef for ground turkey and such.  This week we DID have tacos ... and I MAY have eaten two.  I personally am not a huge fan of beef, so I typically put very little of that on my taco ... just a ton of low fat sour cream, a little cheese and some salsa.  I just don't think it is realistic to fix extremely healthy meals ALL the time when you have to please a man and a picky toddler.  When I lived alone in my early twenties all I ate was grilled chicken, frozen vegetables and whole grain rice ... literally every night.  I unfortunately made up for those calories by eating out a ton and exercising rarely.

Nowadays, we don't go out to eat very often.  Now that we have our own home, we are content to have most of our meals there.  We usually end up eating out once on the weekend (not counting my routine McDonald's trip with Tyler on Fridays ... don't worry, I eat a salad, and he is too concerned with the toy and playing on the playground to eat more than one nugget).  Even when we do go out, I try to be more mindful of what I'm stuffing into my mouth.  I don't absolutely eat myself sick like I used to do.  It used to go something like, "OM NOM NOM NOM ... THIS IS SO GOOD ... I'M FULL, BUT I'M GONNA FINISH THE ENTIRE PLATE BECAUSE IT IS SOOOOOOO GOOD."  I was kinda like fat Brian on Family Guy ... "I looooove chocolate, but I can't eat it because then I'll get fat....but it's SOOOOOO good" (must watch clip to appreciate the hilarity) :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vi3GA0nbCtQ

Anyway, here's hoping that I'll be back to the gym like normal next week even though TIME MAGAZINE says that exercise doesn't help you lose weight ... ***confused dog head tilt***

OH, THE HUMANITY!!!

The gym has been whipping my tater!  I'm positive I have ab muscles under the jiggly stuff because they HURT!!  After my weight didn't drop this past weigh-in, I really cranked it up a notch at the gym.  Instead of 20 minutes on the elliptical, I'm staying on for 30.  When I do my strength training, I do it with a quickness ... not so quick that I'll injure myself, but quick enough to keep my heart pounding.  Needless to say, I've been feeling the burn long after my workouts are over.  I go to bed sore and wake up sore.  I guess it's a necessary evil that I will eventually get used to...

I've been trying to still keep my calorie count between 1200 and 1500 (even though Jamie says that is not enough).  I try to make those calories really count by eating healthier foods.  This week I've had a packet of oatmeal for breakfast with a bit of Splenda for sweetness, a few chunks of watermelon (lots of sugar, but filling) for a mid-morning snack and Healthy Choice meals for lunch (with a side of carrots and sugar free pudding).  Dinner is probably my most calorific meal (Yeah, yeah ... I know it shouldn't be).  I have been cooking healthier for dinner for the most part.  On Monday, I baked some chicken and then made chicken quesadillas with these super duper wraps that I found.  Hey, they won awards from Men's Health Magazine ... they MUST be good for you ... right??  Don't worry ... I read all the packages to find the best ones.  These were whole grain ... well, heck ... Here's a link:

http://www.latortillafactory.com/products-4.aspx

I'm just hoping that staying on track will be the answer to getting this weight off because right now the scale is not being kind.  Could be retained water ... could be muscle ... but it sure can be discouraging.  But my mommy always tells me:

"COWGIRL UP!"

Sugar Free Me!

Well, I'm not totally sugar free, BUT I have cut out A LOT of it.  Sodas are out, sweet tea is now only made with Splenda, and dessert has been fruit all week at lunch.  I DID have frozen yogurt twice this week ... BABY STEPS, PEOPLE!  I skipped the granola bars this week since they are sort of just glorified candy bars.  I've been eating two packets of LOW SUGAR oatmeal every morning with a packet of Splenda and a few almond slivers for crunch.

I'm going to have to figure out something different for lunch next week.  We wanted to use up the deli meat that we had already bought, so I ate turkey sammiches (yes, sammiches) all week.  I'm going to have to do some googling and thinking to figure out what will work.  It's tough to figure out something that is easy to take to work and healthy.  Soups are super salty, and the low sodium versions are hardly worth consuming.  Same goes with the frozen meals.  Lean Cuisine, Smart Ones, and Healthy Choice have some things that I don't mind eating, but they are not filling and are loaded with sodium.  I've done salads in the past, but that can get really old really fast!

SEE WHAT I MEAN?!?!  I'm sure it shouldn't be THIS difficult to find something that works.  Anywho, I'll work that out over the weekend.

I've been to the gym three times this week for about an hour each time.  I've been doing cardio and a bit of strength training each time (and a bit of Zumba with my buddy Angela for fun).  I caught the tail end of a TV program yesterday, and they were saying that Harvard did a study that found you needed at least five days of exercise a week to achieve weight loss ... WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR!!  I'll continue doing what I can.  I know moving more and eating better will cause results ... maybe slow results, but results nonetheless.  I've also been trying to get up from my desk at work now and then to move a bit.  One day a while back I sat at my desk for nine hours and only got up to go to the restroom ... I realized that was a problem.

I'm going to weigh in on Sunday.  Hopefully, my weight is still down at least the five pounds it was last week.  My bestie Sarah has been doing this whole weight loss challenge and weigh in thing with me long distance (She's in Acworth).  I think the end of this week will make three full weeks that we've been at it.
 
It is definitely tough, but some things have gotten easier.  I don't really crave carbonated drinks anymore, and I don't HAVE to have caffeine.  I think I've been pretty good with my food ... not SUPER strict, but pretty strict I think.  Trying to keep the sugar down ... carbs down ... calories down ... bad fats down.

OH ... forgot to mention that Crystal Light (sometimes my saving grace for get extra water down) has started giving me headaches.  I've had this happen in the past and had to give it up.  It seems like certain flavors are worse than others.  I've been drinking the Raspberry Tea with no problems, but the Fruit Punch has my head splitting.  I'm going to go ahead and guess that it might be the aspartame in it because certain diet sodas used to do the same thing.

Oh, how I hate chugging plain water constantly.  I love it when I'm exercising ... That's when it tastes great!  But just sitting at my desk sipping this tasteless liquid is sometimes torture.  I guess I should just be thankful that I have clean drinking water readily available ... right?

Ta-Ta!

A New Beginning

My son is now 18 months old, and I've finally gotten serious about losing weight again.  It has not been an easy process to get this all into motion again.  I have a crazy work schedule, and when I'm not at work, I'm taking care of Tyler on my own.  I just joined the YMCA near my house in January which offers daycare, and Tyler HATES it.  He cries hysterically when we enter the parking lot now.  Yet another challenge.  Last week I managed to make it to the gym three times, and I hope to do the same this week.  

I've now been off sodas for two months, and we have just switched to decaf iced tea at my house (sweetened with Splenda).  Jamie just quit sodas about a week or two ago and has already lost 7 pounds ... SO UNFAIR!  I know giving up that sugary mess was for the best though!

I just started reading Bob Greene's Best Life Diet, which is not really a "lose weight quick" diet.  I'm not saying I'm going to follow his plan, but I checked out about 10 diet/fitness books from the library to get ideas and gain some knowledge (and hopefully not totally confuse myself).  I must say that he does a pretty good job of breaking down how weightloss works (talks about the different types of weightloss - water loss, fat loss, and lean loss).  I'll continue to look into that book this week and see how I feel when I finish it.

I am down FIVE pounds since I started focusing really hard two weeks ago.  That little bit of weight did not go easy ... It went kicking and screaming.  Hopefully, that was mostly fat loss, but I have no real way to judge that ... do I?

I'm always fearful about telling too many people about what I am doing because I feel like even more of a failure if I don't succeed.  I've got to let the idea go, and just focus on doing what is right for me.  One thing I have like about Bob's book is that he stresses that you need to put yourself first when it comes to your health, and you don't need to listen to other people's negativity about what you are doing.  I've had SO many setbacks because I give into doing what others want too easily.  

"You aren't going to try my [insert dangerous dessert here]??"

"Let's go grab some Mexican/Chinese/pizza!"

"You're having a salad???"

"One or two cookies isn't going to hurt you."

"You want some ice cream?  I really have a sweet tooth right now!"

I've heard all of that and more.  All too often I give into those temptations.  I think my ability to give up sodas really showed me that I COULD stay away from something unhealthy and still enjoy myself.  Now, I just keep unsweet decaf tea made at home, and I order water or unsweet tea when we go out.  HELPFUL HINT: WATER IS FREE WITH YOUR MEAL.  BE HEALTHY AND SAVE MONEY!

I'm at the very beginning of this journey AGAIN, and I SO SO SO hope that I can make it through this time without sabotaging myself.  I think I'm better able to resist temptations offered up by others, but it is my WILLPOWER that I have to keep in check.  It is very helpful that Jamie is now on board with this whole getting UN-fat thing ... in the past he would know I was trying to drop the pounds and STILL offer to take me out to get a fatty dinner.  I think he will be less likely to sabotage me if it means he will be sabotaging himself ... I HOPE!

I haven't completely cut bread (whole grain) from my diet, but we have eliminated all of the excess pasta and junk food we were eating.  Since Jamie jumped on board, I was given the OK to not buy anymore cookies.  Jamie has a HUGE sweet tooth.  It helps not to have temptation in the house!  This week's dinners consist of mostly lean meat and vegetables (brown rice one night).  I just had some low sugar oatmeal, and I ate two packs since I have no mid-morning snack (that's 260 calories, but who's counting? ... oh, yea ... me).  This week I'm still eating sandwiches for lunch with plans of changing that up next week.  I've already replaced my Pringles with carrots and hummus, and I have an apple and peanut butter for dessert (all of that is about 575 calories ... Jamie hates when I do this ... haha).  I'll continue to adjust my diet as we go along, but I want to be as healthful as I can from the start.

My gym routine has been Mon, Tues, and Thurs for 45 mins to an hour.  Jamie went with me last week and gave me a little weight lifting routine and ab routine to add to my usual cardio (bless the inventor of the elliptical ... I can exercise pretty hard without hurting my bum knee).  I'm hopeful I can maintain and improve upon everything I have started.  HERE WE GO ... AGAIN!